The Onion, The Onion's Finest News Report - 1h 6m 56s

Tracks & Durations

1. Onion Finest News Reporting Vol. 1 Introduction	0:43
2. A Massive Oil Spill Results In Improved Wildlife Viscosity	0:42
3. A Cop Kills His Own Partner And Vows To Track Himself Down	0:35
4. NASA Is Baffled By The Failure Of Its Straw Shuttle	0:43
5. Clinton Has Been Seduced By A Suave International Diamond Thief	0:33
6. An Area Bassist Is Felated	0:34
7. High Court Bans Same-Sex Friendships	0:40
8. The Amish Give Up	0:26
9. A Giant Six-Year Old Devastates An Area Ant Community	0:43
10. I Believe The Robots Are Our Future	4:59
11. A Family Of Four Has Been Rescued From A Burning House By A Homosexual	0:33
12. Desperate Vegetarians Declare Cows Plants	0:43
13. The Whale Market Is Targeted With New Plankton-Flavored Peanut Butter	0:35
14. Chrisopher Reeve Is Placed Atop The Washington Monument	0:40
15. Civil War Enthusiasts Burn Atlanta To The Ground	0:39
16. Jesus Christ Has Hired An Associate Christ	0:34
17. A Bluesman Claims Yemen Done Him Wrong	0:48
18. Taco Bell Launches The New Morning-After Burrito	0:40
19. A Zookeeper Is Savagely Raped By A Grizzly Bear	0:40
20. The Jews Have Been Ordered Back To Egypt For Pyramid Duty	0:39
21. Clinton Deploys Vowels To Bosnia	0:54
22. Those Motherfucking Robins Are On Thin Ice With Me	4:37
23. Nine People Are Drawn And Quartered At An Out-Of-Hand Rennaissance Fair	0:38
24. Neighbors Remember A Serial Killer As A Serial Killer	0:33
25. Chrysler Discontinues Neck Belts	0:39
26. Teachers Are Apalled By Poorly Written Teen Suicide Notes	0:43
27. Mother Theresa Has Been Sent To Hell In A Wacky Afterlife Mix-Up	0:44
28. A Buck-Naked Man Stresses The Importance Of Proper Schooling	0:39
29. Ants Demand A 23.9 Hour Work Day	0:39
30. President Clinton Is Written Up By His "Total Bitch" Supervisor	0:45
31. Congress Has Approved The Americans With No Abilities Act	0:43
32. A New High-Viscosity Mayonnaise Will Help Americans Swallow	0:44
33. The Collectable Plate Industry Has Called For The Tragic Death Of Barbara Striesand	0:36
34. Hitler Was Wron	3:31
35. McDonald's Unveils A New All-Beef Bun	0:34
36. The President's Head Has Been Sawed Off	0:36
37. Philip Morris Lawyers Deny Cigarettes Are Cylindrical	0:36
38. A New Cereal For the Poor Stays Crunchy In Water	0:34
39. A Revolutionary New Asper-Shirt Relieves Torso Pain	0:32
40. The Vatican Unveils Its New Pope Signal	0:37
41. Greenpeace Releases Dolphins Into The Forest	0:34
42. A Local Wal-Mart Greeter Is At Death's Door	0:38
43. Richard Simmons Is Fighting For His Life In An Estrogen Tent	0:44
44. A Lucky Dead Student Gets His Own Page In The High School Yearbook	0:41
45. The NRA Changes Its Focus From Guns To Penmanship	0:37
46. I Am A Bad Ass	5:52
47. Quincy Suspects Murder	0:42
48. Jews are Celebrating Rosh Hashasha, or Something	0:42
49. Bourbon Helps An Area Carpet Salesman Forget About Carpeting For A While	0:44
50. White Castle Plundered By Turks	0:40
51. Rocker Ted Nugent's New Cologne Has Been Tested On Every Known Animal	0:43
52. Don King Enjoys a Grandilomentitudinous Sandwich	0:40
53. A Family Dog Is Suspected In A Miniature Chuck Wagon Disaster	0:46
54. An Utter Failure Plans To Spend The Rest Of The Day In Bed	0:40
55. Congress Has Lowered The Killing Age To Nineteen	0:35
56. Scandal In The Special Olympics	0:38
57. It's Not a Crack House, It's A Crack Home	5:06
58. An Area Man Busts His Ass All Day, And For What?	0:41
59. Mongol Warriors Have Sacked And Pillaged The U.S.	0:34
60. A Hate Crime Bill Is Stalled By The Pro-Hate Lobby	0:36
61. 80% Of Americans Are In Favor Of Storming The Castle And Destroying The Inhuman Monster	0:41
62. A Man With Heart Disease Eagerly Awaits The Death Of A Young Boy	0:38
63. The Face Of Jesus Is Seen On A Miracle Hippie	0:36
64. An Ant Is Born	0:38
65. Babies Are Stupid	0:43
66. NRA President Charlton Heston - A Hebrew?	0:40
67. A Coffeehouse Encounter Results In Conversation And Cunnilingus	0:39
68. A Drunken Man Makes An Interesting Point About Society	0:45
69. A Local Masturbator Gets All The Latest Swimwear News On	0:43
70. Onion Finest News Reporting Vol. 1 Conclusion	0:19

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